Mistake #7354: I sent him to the store. OK - he ASKS to go to the store. So, I hesitantly oblige, knowing it will add on another 15 minutes for me to prepare the list so it's fool-proof for him. People - I TRY my darndest to be as S-P-E-C-I-F-I-C as possible with the man when I'm writing the grocery list. I mean - I specify organic or not, pounds or quantity, firm or ripe, soft/squishy rolls vs. airy/crusty rolls, Belgian Endive vs. regular Endive, etc. I cannot TELL you how many times the man has gotten it wrong. And I mean ALL WRONG.
Today for example, I cleaned out my cupboards and noted a few spices and baking items we were due to replace. Vanilla Extract was one said replacement item. The husband came home with IMITATION Vanilla Extract. All to save... what? Maybe 50 cents? RI-diculous! I never even knew there WAS an imitation vanilla extract. I mean - it has NO vanilla in it! It is all corn syrupy and alcoholy and apparently there's "Vanillin" in it. What the criminy is Vanillin?
Or like when he got crumbled blue cheese instead of Gorgonzola (also today). I mean come on... there's no comparison. Doesn't he know that? Would he bring me home one of those fake Brie-Whiz triangles in the plastic tub vs. the REAL Brie? (Yes. Every time.)
Or when I specified exactly 1 pound of Red Swiss Chard for a recipe (yesterday.) He brought home 2 giant bunches. (Mommica) "I assume this weighs one pound, husband?" (Husband) "I dunno." "I didn't weigh it, I just grabbed and went." (no use in replaying the scene - basically, I'll sum it up with Mommica got veeerry upset.)
It can't all be blamed on his desire to save a few pennies - many days, it's his lack of label-reading acumen. In fact, he tends to not read labels at all, and when I say labels, I mean ENTIRE PACKAGES. So he's managed to come home with things like "Southwest Spiced" potatoes instead of regular, or - I shudder to remember - Fat Free Creamer instead of my regular just-paste-the-full-fat-on-my-thighs creamer.
However. Husband did manage to bring home 2 balloons for the kids. And another bottle of wine to add to our wine cellar collection in our new wine fridge. And hey. I didn't have to go. So I suppose I will just continue to stock-pile the "Mistakes" products and give them to our local homeless shelter, since they'll be utterly grateful for all those mess-ups.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Best Diet Advice I've Heard
I received this in an email today, so I can't take credit. I can, however, take credit for the wise-cracks in red. Eat up, people.
Diet Advice:
1. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? (Does typing count as cardio exercise?)
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Amen, sista! Now how the HECK am I going to do that with 2 ankle-biters?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? Only if they're deep fried or covered in cheese.
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Cow patties? Hay and corn. Oh. And what are these? Better with butter? Vegetables. Oh. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Mmm... vegetable products...
3. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? WHAT?!?
A: No, not at all. OH thank you. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
4. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? That's easy. I have none. Next.
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. That works too.
5. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? Free babysitting at the gym - as often as you want!
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? Not if they're fruits and vegetables. See #2.
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? It couldn't!
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? Nothin wrong with soft. What would my cat do if she couldn't knead my tummy?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Allright then - done. Those are off my list.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: HAYLL No! Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Ya. And all that blubber. Clearly it's actually fattening for you so stop it. now.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! And what about the post-baby/30's square butt? Square is certainly a shape.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
For those of you who watch what you eat as it goes from your plate to your mouth, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. they're also much shorter, no?
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. =Deep frying is good for you.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans. Well they probably beat their children then.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. That's because of all that fruit.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. Perhaps shoving some deep fried fruit (wine) into some intestinal lining really IS a good idea!
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. Oh great. Now I'm gonna have to practice up on my pig latin.
Diet Advice:
1. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? (Does typing count as cardio exercise?)
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Amen, sista! Now how the HECK am I going to do that with 2 ankle-biters?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? Only if they're deep fried or covered in cheese.
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Cow patties? Hay and corn. Oh. And what are these? Better with butter? Vegetables. Oh. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Mmm... vegetable products...
3. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? WHAT?!?
A: No, not at all. OH thank you. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
4. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? That's easy. I have none. Next.
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. That works too.
5. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? Free babysitting at the gym - as often as you want!
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? Not if they're fruits and vegetables. See #2.
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? It couldn't!
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? Nothin wrong with soft. What would my cat do if she couldn't knead my tummy?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Allright then - done. Those are off my list.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: HAYLL No! Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Ya. And all that blubber. Clearly it's actually fattening for you so stop it. now.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! And what about the post-baby/30's square butt? Square is certainly a shape.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
For those of you who watch what you eat as it goes from your plate to your mouth, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. they're also much shorter, no?
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. =Deep frying is good for you.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans. Well they probably beat their children then.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. That's because of all that fruit.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. Perhaps shoving some deep fried fruit (wine) into some intestinal lining really IS a good idea!
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. Oh great. Now I'm gonna have to practice up on my pig latin.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
A Little Tumbleweed
Well, today was a 3-episode laundry day. What I mean is that it took 3 episodes of LOST for me to get through the entire pile of laundry folding. This is, you see, the only possible way I can do my duty of folding laundry. And I hate it normally. But I've discovered the key to loving it - it gives me the perfect excuse to watch my most beloved show, LOST. The problem, you see, is that I only have about 6 episodes left of last season and we have not joined the 21st century by getting TiVo, so I'm screwed. I have nothing left to watch after these next few weeks, and therefore, we'll just be buying new clothes and throwing away the dirty ones, because I don't do laundry otherwise. It's too much. It really is.
So, in anticipation of this fast-approaching day, I will be accepting gift cards from you all to Target, Old Navy, and Macy's, preferably in $100 increments, as my kids go through at least 2 outfits a day, sometimes 3, since the past 3 days, for example, I have stood in my front yard and hose-sprayed off blankets, sheets, pjs, etc. from 2 poop explosions and 2 puking incidents.
Also, in lieu of gift cards, I will gladly accept any new recommendations for TV series that I haven't seen and that would keep my interest enough to get through the monotonous chore of laundry.
Thank you. And goodnight.
Oh wait. I do have one more thing to leave you with... totally off-subject, however I don't care. As I was spring cleaning on my blogging vacation, I came across my trusty-and-definitely-dusty Jokes file from the 90's. Oh there are some gems in there that I'll share with you little by little, but I'll leave you with one from my favorite, SNL's Jack Handey, circa 1997. Enjoy. And send those gift cards.
Deep Thoughts... by Jack Handey
"Sometimes I just feel like curling up on the floor in front of the fireplace, and just rolling around the room, like a tumbleweed, and not even caring if I knock things over, or break them. And if people get mad, maybe because it's their house or something, you can just shake your head and go, "What happened?"
So, in anticipation of this fast-approaching day, I will be accepting gift cards from you all to Target, Old Navy, and Macy's, preferably in $100 increments, as my kids go through at least 2 outfits a day, sometimes 3, since the past 3 days, for example, I have stood in my front yard and hose-sprayed off blankets, sheets, pjs, etc. from 2 poop explosions and 2 puking incidents.
Also, in lieu of gift cards, I will gladly accept any new recommendations for TV series that I haven't seen and that would keep my interest enough to get through the monotonous chore of laundry.
Thank you. And goodnight.
Oh wait. I do have one more thing to leave you with... totally off-subject, however I don't care. As I was spring cleaning on my blogging vacation, I came across my trusty-and-definitely-dusty Jokes file from the 90's. Oh there are some gems in there that I'll share with you little by little, but I'll leave you with one from my favorite, SNL's Jack Handey, circa 1997. Enjoy. And send those gift cards.
Deep Thoughts... by Jack Handey
"Sometimes I just feel like curling up on the floor in front of the fireplace, and just rolling around the room, like a tumbleweed, and not even caring if I knock things over, or break them. And if people get mad, maybe because it's their house or something, you can just shake your head and go, "What happened?"
Monday, March 10, 2008
Busiest Week of My Life + Out of Town + Internet Probs = Blogging Vacation.
Well, I know you've been worried. Wondering and thinking the worst. No, I have not disappeared. I have not decided to quit blogging. I have been on a long-anticipated Blogging Vacation the past 2 weeks. I can't believe I haven't written in that long. In fact, don't send me hate mail, but I haven't even CHECKED people's blogs more than 2-3 times total (not per blog - just total) since I went on blogging vacation. I did actually leave town for 2 days at one point, but that's not the vacation I'm talking about. More of a mental vacation from all blogging-related 'stuff'... you know the 'stuff' - sometimes the pressure to be fabulous just builds up and you run out of post ideas and just need a break. I know there are those of you out there who can manage to be fabulous every single day - not me. I'm not that good.
So. My vacation. Yes, there was your typical vacation fare during this time of rest ... sight-seeing (aka spring cleaning out my plethora of storage closets for the first time since... well a long time.) This was the best part of my trip, actually. I saw things I've never seen before! And things I haven't seen in 10 years. Like a giant file box full of my high school and college photos with every different hair color I've had and every different boyfriend I've had (hint: future blog topic - oh it's precious, precious stuff).
I even organized the massive piles of Christmas wrapping paper (I have exactly 40 rolls of it and I am NOT exaggerating - count them.)
I also sorted and categorized my extensive gift bag collection - I even threw some away that were not worthy of the Re-Gift - that's a big step, my friends.
Now I know it seems as though they're not sorted, but they are - according to size, then category (baby, birthday, cute any occasion), etc.
And, like a good vacationer, I ate a LOT. Without exercising. I slept in one morning (until at least 8 a.m. - that's a BIG deal). I watched a few movies ... The Invasion, The Guardian, several LOST episodes from last season -- it's new to me. So overall, it was a productive, good blogging vacation, but now, particularly since the arrival of spring has suddenly turned my kids into hyperactive crazy people, I'm ready to block it all out again and blog, visit and comment. So, here I come... bursting with new ideas and inspirations, and ready to give some bloggy love again.
So. My vacation. Yes, there was your typical vacation fare during this time of rest ... sight-seeing (aka spring cleaning out my plethora of storage closets for the first time since... well a long time.) This was the best part of my trip, actually. I saw things I've never seen before! And things I haven't seen in 10 years. Like a giant file box full of my high school and college photos with every different hair color I've had and every different boyfriend I've had (hint: future blog topic - oh it's precious, precious stuff).
I even organized the massive piles of Christmas wrapping paper (I have exactly 40 rolls of it and I am NOT exaggerating - count them.)
I also sorted and categorized my extensive gift bag collection - I even threw some away that were not worthy of the Re-Gift - that's a big step, my friends.
Now I know it seems as though they're not sorted, but they are - according to size, then category (baby, birthday, cute any occasion), etc.And, like a good vacationer, I ate a LOT. Without exercising. I slept in one morning (until at least 8 a.m. - that's a BIG deal). I watched a few movies ... The Invasion, The Guardian, several LOST episodes from last season -- it's new to me. So overall, it was a productive, good blogging vacation, but now, particularly since the arrival of spring has suddenly turned my kids into hyperactive crazy people, I'm ready to block it all out again and blog, visit and comment. So, here I come... bursting with new ideas and inspirations, and ready to give some bloggy love again.
Friday, February 22, 2008
My Life In Pictures
Sassy little Tootsie Farklepants over at Vintage Thirty did this self-tagging meme a few weeks ago, inspired from Lulu's awesome blog and I thought it sounded fun, so I'm following suit... the rules are that you have to answer the questions with photos taken only from the first page of results online... *Note to self: Next time I think it will take mere minutes to search for the perfect photo any old picture online to do a post like this, THINK. AGAIN. Holy time-wasting blogging, Batman!
1. The age you will be on your next birthday. Yes, I would enjoy being IN Hawaii when I turn this age as well. We shall see...
2. A place you’d like to visit. And I'd like to be wearing a huge gorgeous winter coat with a waist tie belt, fabulous hat and scarf, with shoes from Bergdorf Goodman, and have my equally dapperly-dressed husband ice skate with me hand in hand, after getting down on one knee and asking me to marry him all over again and presenting me with a most precious bobble to adorn my wrist. Yep. That's all.
3. Your favorite place. Lived there. L.o.v.e. it.
4. Your favorite object. This isn't mine of course, but mine was my grandmother's and is special none the less...
6. Your favorite animal. I cannot decide between these two cuties...
AND
Puzzling. I know. I like them for veeerry different reasons.
7. Your favorite color. They're delicious and nutritious too.
8. The city in which you were born. Anybody know this one?
9. The town in which you live. Occasionally it's a little warm here.
10. The name of your pet. I utilized my most excellent Photoshop skills to shield your tender eyes from the real image. But boy. I just don't know what to say about this one... I'm going to look at my dog in a whole new way from now on...
11. The first name of your love. hmmm.... not exactly what I had in mind...
13. Your middle name. Alrighty then.
14. Your last name. I'm clearly really good at googling. I've even stumped the search engine on this question.
15. A bad habit of yours. Nope. It's not over eating, although sometimes I do wonder...
16. Your first job. No photo - just an article. And this is certainly NOT funny. And I pretty much kept my clothes on when I had that job.
17. Your dream job. It brings a smile to my face too.
18. Your current job. Drunkeness wasn't in my search terms at all, but hey - it works...
19. A picture you find hilarious. Perhaps not hilarious. Not even that funny. I just want a pair of these bad boys.
20. A picture that inspires you. If you don't know who this is, go here
1. The age you will be on your next birthday. Yes, I would enjoy being IN Hawaii when I turn this age as well. We shall see...
2. A place you’d like to visit. And I'd like to be wearing a huge gorgeous winter coat with a waist tie belt, fabulous hat and scarf, with shoes from Bergdorf Goodman, and have my equally dapperly-dressed husband ice skate with me hand in hand, after getting down on one knee and asking me to marry him all over again and presenting me with a most precious bobble to adorn my wrist. Yep. That's all.
3. Your favorite place. Lived there. L.o.v.e. it.
4. Your favorite object. This isn't mine of course, but mine was my grandmother's and is special none the less...
5. Your favorite food.
WITH
WITH
6. Your favorite animal. I cannot decide between these two cuties...
AND
Puzzling. I know. I like them for veeerry different reasons.
8. The city in which you were born. Anybody know this one?
9. The town in which you live. Occasionally it's a little warm here.
10. The name of your pet. I utilized my most excellent Photoshop skills to shield your tender eyes from the real image. But boy. I just don't know what to say about this one... I'm going to look at my dog in a whole new way from now on...
11. The first name of your love. hmmm.... not exactly what I had in mind...
how about try #2...
Yes. Yes, I'll take door #2. Thank you. Although, my real man is much better, of course.
12. Your nickname/screen name. I kid you not.
Yes. Yes, I'll take door #2. Thank you. Although, my real man is much better, of course.
13. Your middle name. Alrighty then.
14. Your last name. I'm clearly really good at googling. I've even stumped the search engine on this question.
15. A bad habit of yours. Nope. It's not over eating, although sometimes I do wonder...
16. Your first job. No photo - just an article. And this is certainly NOT funny. And I pretty much kept my clothes on when I had that job.
Babysitter Leaves Children Alone In Woods To Pose For Nude Pictures
July 20, 2007
A 20-year-old Syracuse woman accused of leaving four young children in the wild so she could pose for nude photos is facing charges of endangering the welfare of a child. The authorities were alerted of situation by a man, who was apparently fishing at the nearby creek, saw them crying.
When officers reached the woods near Syracuse's Inner Harbor, the oldest girl, age 6, told them that "Aunt Michelle" went into the woods to take "nasty pictures."
17. Your dream job. It brings a smile to my face too.
18. Your current job. Drunkeness wasn't in my search terms at all, but hey - it works...
19. A picture you find hilarious. Perhaps not hilarious. Not even that funny. I just want a pair of these bad boys.
20. A picture that inspires you. If you don't know who this is, go here
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Until Death Do Us Part.
Today, husband and I went out on a real date. Dinner, movie, babysitter, adult conversation, no need to flick anyone's hands for throwing food or purposely dropping utensils, etc. It was... refreshing. We saw the movie Definitely, Maybe. It was actually really good - funny, endearing characters. It's about a dad helping his daughter cope with his impending divorce from her mother by telling her all about his escapades with women leading up to his decision to marry her mom. After seeing this movie, I've realized a lot about myself... and how my life is still - 30 years later - impacted so deeply by my own parents' divorce.
As I watched this little girl on the big screen melt into her pillow, weeping about this divorce in front of her father, it reminded me of countless conversations I've had with my dad... the first of which I don't remember, but am told I held my tiny little hand in his while we were walking up stairs and I told him in my four-year-old voice, "I don't want a divorce, Daddy." The last conversation we had like this was a mere month ago while we were out to dinner and talking about my rocky relationship with my step-mother... whom I think not-so-secretly despises me at times. My insides became mush and my face was hot and the sting of my tears welling up was all too familiar. I became infuriated with myself... I was a grown woman with my own family and I was dining in a beautiful restaurant enjoying a grown-up father/daughter dinner and all I could do was cry. Again. I'm enraged that I cannot contain my emotions... or even that I have these emotions... still... all these years later. And it's ridiculous to me how quickly I can find myself swimming in the hurt of life as a child dealing with this very adult scenario. Why am I not just over this?
My mind wanders to when I was 8 and sobbing to my mom about how step-mother never talks to me and I was panicked about the bi-weekly 30-minute drive to their house with her alone in the car and how she made me feel so insignificant... or even that I was bad or like this was my fault. My sweet mom would rehearse conversation-starters with me so at least I could keep the cold silence at bay until we got home and my dad would ease the walls of tension she had so callously erected.
One of the only times I've seen my husband cry is after we saw an old home video of me when I was in 8th grade. It was Thanksgiving and I was visiting dad and the fam in San Francisco. I held the video camera and was enjoying doing a documentary of my trip when the camera turned to s.m. and the look she gave my dad as a result of seeing me with the camera nearly makes me want to throw up now. The disgust on her face. The complete intolerance in her eyes ... a tell tale sign of her true feelings for me... this is what brought tears to my husband's eyes. For me. Seeing that again quickly brought to mind all those awkward moments in my life... those quiet times where I was torn down by her... where I was reminded that I will never be a part of her family with my dad. Those moments I still live today and that I try to hide from my children so they don't have to wonder why s.m. doesn't like their mommy.
Turning back to the movie, there was a scene where the little girl watches an interaction between her parents... feeling the hope mount with every word they spoke... pleading and praying that somehow a spark would be lit again and the life she was dreading would be avoided... and then seeing the reality of her parent's relationship... the fact that no - they weren't going to be together again... the crushing blow she was feeling - it's what every child of divorce has felt at one time. It's like you know there's the fairy-tale ending that was supposed to happen with your parents and that you were supposed to be a part of, but it can never be. And you push those thoughts way down, into the depths where they should stay because that will never change and this is your life, so be a big girl and live with it.
I just want to be able to talk openly with my dad about all the stuff... and not hurt so much. And not feel like I'm so stupid for being grown up and a cry baby. I desperately need to be able to keep in control when I hear my dad tell me the details he's been revealing to me that put his perspective into reality ... about the 'cross he bears in life' being me and my hurt in all this. I want my lip to stop quivering when I think of all these moments in my life that add up to who I am today, and how I deal with my life. Perhaps it will take another 30 years to look back and say "it's OK. I'm OK, and this was all for the best." But, much like the little girl on the big screen, I will always try to imagine how it was when my parents were a family with me as their baby. How it was to see them hold hands or my father kiss my mom on the forehead as they stood looking down at a newborn me cradled in their arms. I still hold a place in my heart for the dreaming about 'what could have been' had my parents decided to hold true to those vows... 'until death do us part'.
As I watched this little girl on the big screen melt into her pillow, weeping about this divorce in front of her father, it reminded me of countless conversations I've had with my dad... the first of which I don't remember, but am told I held my tiny little hand in his while we were walking up stairs and I told him in my four-year-old voice, "I don't want a divorce, Daddy." The last conversation we had like this was a mere month ago while we were out to dinner and talking about my rocky relationship with my step-mother... whom I think not-so-secretly despises me at times. My insides became mush and my face was hot and the sting of my tears welling up was all too familiar. I became infuriated with myself... I was a grown woman with my own family and I was dining in a beautiful restaurant enjoying a grown-up father/daughter dinner and all I could do was cry. Again. I'm enraged that I cannot contain my emotions... or even that I have these emotions... still... all these years later. And it's ridiculous to me how quickly I can find myself swimming in the hurt of life as a child dealing with this very adult scenario. Why am I not just over this?
My mind wanders to when I was 8 and sobbing to my mom about how step-mother never talks to me and I was panicked about the bi-weekly 30-minute drive to their house with her alone in the car and how she made me feel so insignificant... or even that I was bad or like this was my fault. My sweet mom would rehearse conversation-starters with me so at least I could keep the cold silence at bay until we got home and my dad would ease the walls of tension she had so callously erected.
One of the only times I've seen my husband cry is after we saw an old home video of me when I was in 8th grade. It was Thanksgiving and I was visiting dad and the fam in San Francisco. I held the video camera and was enjoying doing a documentary of my trip when the camera turned to s.m. and the look she gave my dad as a result of seeing me with the camera nearly makes me want to throw up now. The disgust on her face. The complete intolerance in her eyes ... a tell tale sign of her true feelings for me... this is what brought tears to my husband's eyes. For me. Seeing that again quickly brought to mind all those awkward moments in my life... those quiet times where I was torn down by her... where I was reminded that I will never be a part of her family with my dad. Those moments I still live today and that I try to hide from my children so they don't have to wonder why s.m. doesn't like their mommy.
Turning back to the movie, there was a scene where the little girl watches an interaction between her parents... feeling the hope mount with every word they spoke... pleading and praying that somehow a spark would be lit again and the life she was dreading would be avoided... and then seeing the reality of her parent's relationship... the fact that no - they weren't going to be together again... the crushing blow she was feeling - it's what every child of divorce has felt at one time. It's like you know there's the fairy-tale ending that was supposed to happen with your parents and that you were supposed to be a part of, but it can never be. And you push those thoughts way down, into the depths where they should stay because that will never change and this is your life, so be a big girl and live with it.
I just want to be able to talk openly with my dad about all the stuff... and not hurt so much. And not feel like I'm so stupid for being grown up and a cry baby. I desperately need to be able to keep in control when I hear my dad tell me the details he's been revealing to me that put his perspective into reality ... about the 'cross he bears in life' being me and my hurt in all this. I want my lip to stop quivering when I think of all these moments in my life that add up to who I am today, and how I deal with my life. Perhaps it will take another 30 years to look back and say "it's OK. I'm OK, and this was all for the best." But, much like the little girl on the big screen, I will always try to imagine how it was when my parents were a family with me as their baby. How it was to see them hold hands or my father kiss my mom on the forehead as they stood looking down at a newborn me cradled in their arms. I still hold a place in my heart for the dreaming about 'what could have been' had my parents decided to hold true to those vows... 'until death do us part'.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Hasty Haircut
So, here's living proof of my lack of patience. Argument with a knot in E's hair... (My scissors and I won.)
Further evidence of my lack of patience. Four inches of her gorgeous hair. Gone.
However, I have to say that I cannot stand any longer one more 30-minute brawl with the matted, gnarled, rat's nest that was the underside of E's hair. For some reason, it just wouldn't stop, everyday - no matter how much detangler I loaded on her hair. No matter how patient I was carefully disassembling each hair strand from another with a fine-toothed comb. I'm done.
And so, I did it. I cut her beautiful curls off... her perfect blond hair that's never been more than trimmed... I cut it WAY off. I'm strangely sad. I feel that same remorse that I felt when I did the same thing right after I got engaged 10 years ago ... I cut 10" off of my long hair. It grows back, I know. But still... should I have just suffered through the knots a little while longer for the sake of such prettiness?
The good news... she's HAPPY!! She's actually ecstatic! She throws her hands through her hair and shakes her head back and forth and giggles with utter delight. And Mommy is SO happy. Easy brushing. No knock-down drag-out fights with the little one in the mornings. Life is good.
Further evidence of my lack of patience. Four inches of her gorgeous hair. Gone.
However, I have to say that I cannot stand any longer one more 30-minute brawl with the matted, gnarled, rat's nest that was the underside of E's hair. For some reason, it just wouldn't stop, everyday - no matter how much detangler I loaded on her hair. No matter how patient I was carefully disassembling each hair strand from another with a fine-toothed comb. I'm done.
And so, I did it. I cut her beautiful curls off... her perfect blond hair that's never been more than trimmed... I cut it WAY off. I'm strangely sad. I feel that same remorse that I felt when I did the same thing right after I got engaged 10 years ago ... I cut 10" off of my long hair. It grows back, I know. But still... should I have just suffered through the knots a little while longer for the sake of such prettiness?
The good news... she's HAPPY!! She's actually ecstatic! She throws her hands through her hair and shakes her head back and forth and giggles with utter delight. And Mommy is SO happy. Easy brushing. No knock-down drag-out fights with the little one in the mornings. Life is good.
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