Best Diet Advice I've Heard

I received this in an email today, so I can't take credit. I can, however, take credit for the wise-cracks in red. Eat up, people.

Diet Advice:

1. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? (Does typing count as cardio exercise?)
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Amen, sista! Now how the HECK am I going to do that with 2 ankle-biters?

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2. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? Only if they're deep fried or covered in cheese.
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Cow patties? Hay and corn. Oh. And what are these? Better with butter? Vegetables. Oh. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Mmm... vegetable products...

3. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? WHAT?!?
A: No, not at all. OH thank you. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

4. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? That's easy. I have none. Next.
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. That works too.

5. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? Free babysitting at the gym - as often as you want!
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? Not if they're fruits and vegetables. See #2.
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? It couldn't!

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? Nothin wrong with soft. What would my cat do if she couldn't knead my tummy?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Allright then - done. Those are off my list.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: HAYLL No! Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Ya. And all that blubber. Clearly it's actually fattening for you so stop it. now.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! And what about the post-baby/30's square butt? Square is certainly a shape.
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- Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
For those of you who watch what you eat as it goes from your plate to your mouth, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. they're also much shorter, no?

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. =Deep frying is good for you.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans. Well they probably beat their children then.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. That's because of all that fruit.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. Perhaps shoving some deep fried fruit (wine) into some intestinal lining really IS a good idea!

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. Oh great. Now I'm gonna have to practice up on my pig latin.