The Art and Math of Seduction

My husband just declared he doesn't know how to seduce me. This makes me wonder why it's taken 10 years of marriage to figure that out. And also? What is it about seduction that's a mystery? I'm pretty positive I can seduce him in about 5 seconds flat. It's a fairly elementary equation with men...

Bare skin = turn on.

For example, yesterday I had on a bathing suit that is somewhat risque. It was a 'treat' for my husband on our 10th anniversary trip. It is a fairly basic 1-piece but there is a sizable area in the between 'the girls' that is open and that goes down a little ways. It's all the rage right now. But I ended up not wearing it as I had planned, because husband couldn't handle it in public. He kept pulling back each side of the top to see "how easily one of the girls could just fall out". Then he'd examine it from the side saying "I can see the 'cuppage'" (and he'd insert hand to be sure.) You see where this is going.

I suppose it can be a bit more complex for the man figuring out this equation with a woman. Because, this would require said man to understand it is indeed a DIFFERENT equation.

Much to my dismay, apparently husband doesn't understand that. Since he's still mad at me after yesterday - he came back to our resort room and stripped down from his bathing suit and just walked around buck nude while eating an apple, occasionally giving me 'the eye'. He admitted he was trying to seduce me. By walking around. Naked.

This morning, he's tried a different tack. Doing the dishes and saying, "well if doing the dishes isn't a turn-on, I don't know what is." hmmm.

I've read articles advising men that a sure-fire way to seduce a woman is to be funny and make her laugh. Now, perhaps I'm a different bird, but if I were to dream about a man seducing me, I would not be dreaming of rolling on the floor laughing, snorting and gafawing and then oh! whoops! we're all of a sudden in a passionate lock. But, I do live with a "funny guy" so admittedly, the wife of a 'funny guy' has immunity to that type of strategy that builds up over the years.

I suppose a mathematical lesson is in order. It looks something like this:

Equation for Seducing a Woman:
Doing something unexpectedly thoughtful and romantic + genuine verbal compliments and/or emotional, loving utterances + manly 'take-chargedness' = turn on

One clarification: by genuine verbal compliments, I don't mean "you're so hot". Just sayin.

Now obviously, it can change and become more simple or more complex, such as:

Doing something unexpectedly thoughtful and romantic + genuine verbal compliments and/or emotional, loving utterances - the amount of sleep I've had (or lack thereof) + manly take-chargedness +\- the kids' (or his) unruly OR especially helpful behavior the previous week or 2 x my mood & the day of the month +/- how fat I feel = turn on

So, seriously - what's so hard about that?

My blog. How I've missed you.

I have admittedly been absent from my blog for a while. Life. Kids. Stuff. BUT, I am back. For a week at LEAST! Today marks the first day of my 7-day "second honeymoon" with husband, meaning it's almost our 10th anniversary and kids are in another state for the first time ever and I'm at a loss as to what exactly I'm supposed to do with myself. And since I'm typically always at my computer, I will be blogging uninterrupted for this week. It's my comfort away from home. Perhaps not every day - but at least I'll be giving my blog some much deserved love. Some attention after so long... so much neglect. I do heart you, you little bloggy you (shyly running my finger along the screen). Now don't you be mad at mommica. Here's a cookie. Now be a good little blog and let me release my creative energies, my emotions this week. I have a feeling I have a lot stored up and have no idea what's ahead. My blogs may be short and sweet or long and wandering this week. Maybe funny and maybe not. We'll see what you lead me to, sweet little creative outlet bloggy-poo. Mwah!

Day 1: Now what?
10 a.m.: The day started a bit rough - husband made us 2 hours later than mommica-determined schedule. I know we don't need a schedule for a road trip, but still... I did want to get some sun once we arrived, but after some deep breaths and several progesterone cream pumps, I was happy to finally be leaving even if it meant 4 p.m. arrival time. Relax mommica. Seriously.
Noon-thirty: Husband and I have been TALKING in the car for 2.5 hours straight! Without interruption. And not just chit-chatting about blah blah blah, but REALLY talking. Like about deep life-issue stuff. Excusez-moi? I truly don't recall the last time we did that. My heart beats wildly at this thought. Husband clearly couldn't wait to chat it up because he had some GOOD stuff to say! Lots of great discussion. Realizations and wisdom thrown all over the place. I had no idea these ideas were even in my head!

Hold on. I need to relocate the computer so I can see the ocean instead of the fridge while I'm getting my inspiration on. Yeeeeeessssssss.. That's better. Outside looking at the ocean.

Anyhow, the car ride was everything it should have been - filled with great conversation, great music, hand holding, some tears, some laughs.

4:00 Arrive at the resort. One minute inside the room and I'm completely stir crazy. It's a little too far from the action. A little too quiet. I'm totally bored already. I'm giddy. I'm almost hysterical. What now? Call the kids. Not home. Step on porch to look at the ocean and notice the bees all over the beautiful purple bush thingy. Worry? Did we sanitize after McDonald's so we don't get swine flu while we're here? Ugh. Unpack. Arrange shoes. Open wine. Get music started. I'm not sure but I absolutely know there's some kind of responsible thing I'm not doing right now.

5:00 Alone. Husband ran to store for dinner (my amazing gorgonzola/evoo/garlic spread on Italian bread for apps, shrimp scampi with linguini and salad, of course, for dinner). By myself. Start blogging. Finish my glass of wine. Start breathing. Releasing. Relaxing. Listening to Death Cab for Cutie. I want to sleep and cry. Why is that I wonder?

We have no plans. No time schedule. Nothing to do but learn about each other again after 10 years and 2 kids and lots of rough times and lots of great times and complete financial stresses so intense that I thought we could literally crack from the pressure and all the while feeling God's grace and care.


Breathing.


I still want to cry. Not a sad cry. Just cry?


And now, as I sit here waiting for husband to return to me, I realize after all the guilt I've felt this week with Princess E sobbing, begging me to cancel my trip and worrying about all the details of having them with 3 different people...

I neeed this