Merci Beaucoup

My sweet blogger friend Angie from Keep Believing is passing along this bling because she said I make her smile. How great is that??? How amazing is it to have someone tell you that? I mean, the best feeling a person can have is when something makes them smile or laugh, so I am beyond honored with this award.

But, sometimes all I can do when I read her blog is cry. I mean - she is a wonderful writer and a very funny person, but she and her husband and two boys are dealing with a Herculean mountain to climb in their lives. One that is not deserved, nor pleasurable to climb. This mountain is a brain tumor inside her husband's head, and she and her family are taking a beating right now. But I'd like to share something with you...

I had the pleasure of hearing someone speak at a conference I was at this past weekend, and it opened my eyes. His name was Eric Weihenmayer and if you haven't heard of him, he's the only blind man to have climbed the "Seven Summits" which include the world's highest and deadliest mountain, Mt. Everest. His message was simple. The famous saying, "Seeing is Believing" has it all wrong. The truth is Believing Is Seeing. I say he's exactly right. This man has done what no other person in history has even attempted. And even after failure upon failure, his BELIEF is what propelled him through the agonizing pain, the beatings on the mountain, the doubters, the blood shed and the heartbreak, until it nearly killed him. But. He. Made it.

So I'd like to ask you all to KEEP BELIEVING too. Angie's husband received some not so great test results this past week, and they need uplifting. Big time. So instead of doing the usual passing along of this award to a deserving blogger in appreciation of receiving it, I'm going to give it back to her to keep. So visit her blog and send her some believing love. Because imagine your life with a mountain like this right in the middle of it. I'll ask you all this week to really Believe together that our God will heal this dear man and give this family a miracle.

As Angie always says... Keep Believing!

If We Were 3

Recently, while sitting down for a living room lunch picnic with my 3.11 year old, I watched as she twitched and rolled and did all kinds of acrobatics on the floor during our conversation. And I realized - it really didn't phase me. It's how 3 & 4 year olds act all the time. Then, I started envisioning what it would be like if we, as adults, were accepted as completely normal when participating in these antics as part of life as 30-something-year-olds. What if we felt the freedom to just kick our legs up and roll on the floor during a business meeting or at the grocery store? Wouldn't it be fun if it were perfectly normal to carry on a conversation looking something like.... this....

(Scene: Mommica cooking dinner. Husband enters room with glass of wine ready to hand Mommica after long day of Suicide Watch over the accident prone/everything-ingesting toddler...)

Husband: "Here you go, sweetie. How was your day?"
Mommica: (picking my nose up to my brains) "Oh fine, babe. You know... a little of this. A little of that."
Husband: "Oh? So what's for dinner?"
Mommica: "Hmmm... well (as I start to balance on one leg)... I dunno - what're you gonna make us?"
Husband" "Ha ha. Seriously. What healthy, delicious meal are you making me?"
Mommica: (doing a handstand with one leg swinging up in the air, looking at Husband upside down) "Umm... how about Coq au Vin? I'm really tired and want to get kids in bed early. Hey, how do you spell Coq au Vin?"
Husband: "Ummm... let's see - I think it's WXVVINILKSSC? Hey! Wanna see how high I can jump?"
Mommica: "Ya! Do it!"
Husband: (Jumps super duper high with both legs up and lands breathing loud and hard.)
Mommica: "Wow Husband. You jump SO high HA ha ha Ha ha HA HA ha haA ha." (my hands go on my hips and I sway back and forth like I'm 30.)
Husband: "Thanks. I practiced that all day. I'm looking forward to jumping even higher when the boss and his fam get here next week. I'm sure he'll be impressed."
Mommica: "Definitely." (Picking my nose again and pulling out a he-UGE boogie and holding it out to Husband on the tip of my finger.)
Husband: "Need a kleenex?"
Mommica: "Mmmhmm." (smiling, rolling around on the kitchen floor lifting legs in the air and kicking feet while putting my hands under my knees, seeing if I can make a fart sound, while the skirt's falling down exposing my undergarments.)
Husband: "Hey Babe, what's on my lunch schedule tomorrow?" (making an airplane noise as he reaches for his glass)
Mommica: "Ugh. I don't know - why do you always make me check your lunch calendar every day?? (I just fall down, because standing on 2 feet is sometimes harder than it looks.)
Husband: "PLEASE tell me who's Lunch Person tomorrow!!! PLEASE! Look at my calendar! (doing a potty dance)
Mommica: "Fine. (getting up from the floor after my fall, then hopping on every syllable) You're - taking - your - client - Julie - out - to - lunch."
Husband" "Yay!!! Hooray! (running down the hall at mock speed and hitting the wall as hard as he can.)
Mommica: (racing Husband down the hall, now screaming at the top of my lungs and then tripping, and running into him until we collide, bounce off each other, fall and both start crying.)
Husband: (rolls onto me laughing and saying in high voice "tickey tickey tickey" as he tickles my sides.)
Mommica: (Laughing, then screaming for him to stop, then laughing again.) "STOP!" "Now, let's get dinner started - let's go play the somersault game and then eat dinner."

Wouldn't that be fun? Ah... to be a careless 3 year old again...

Houston. We Have a Problem.

Mistake #7354: I sent him to the store. OK - he ASKS to go to the store. So, I hesitantly oblige, knowing it will add on another 15 minutes for me to prepare the list so it's fool-proof for him. People - I TRY my darndest to be as S-P-E-C-I-F-I-C as possible with the man when I'm writing the grocery list. I mean - I specify organic or not, pounds or quantity, firm or ripe, soft/squishy rolls vs. airy/crusty rolls, Belgian Endive vs. regular Endive, etc. I cannot TELL you how many times the man has gotten it wrong. And I mean ALL WRONG.

Today for example, I cleaned out my cupboards and noted a few spices and baking items we were due to replace. Vanilla Extract was one said replacement item. The husband came home with IMITATION Vanilla Extract. All to save... what? Maybe 50 cents? RI-diculous! I never even knew there WAS an imitation vanilla extract. I mean - it has NO vanilla in it! It is all corn syrupy and alcoholy and apparently there's "Vanillin" in it. What the criminy is Vanillin?

Or like when he got crumbled blue cheese instead of Gorgonzola (also today). I mean come on... there's no comparison. Doesn't he know that? Would he bring me home one of those fake Brie-Whiz triangles in the plastic tub vs. the REAL Brie? (Yes. Every time.)

Or when I specified exactly 1 pound of Red Swiss Chard for a recipe (yesterday.) He brought home 2 giant bunches. (Mommica) "I assume this weighs one pound, husband?" (Husband) "I dunno." "I didn't weigh it, I just grabbed and went." (no use in replaying the scene - basically, I'll sum it up with Mommica got veeerry upset.)

It can't all be blamed on his desire to save a few pennies - many days, it's his lack of label-reading acumen. In fact, he tends to not read labels at all, and when I say labels, I mean ENTIRE PACKAGES. So he's managed to come home with things like "Southwest Spiced" potatoes instead of regular, or - I shudder to remember - Fat Free Creamer instead of my regular just-paste-the-full-fat-on-my-thighs creamer.

However. Husband did manage to bring home 2 balloons for the kids. And another bottle of wine to add to our wine cellar collection in our new wine fridge. And hey. I didn't have to go. So I suppose I will just continue to stock-pile the "Mistakes" products and give them to our local homeless shelter, since they'll be utterly grateful for all those mess-ups.

Best Diet Advice I've Heard

I received this in an email today, so I can't take credit. I can, however, take credit for the wise-cracks in red. Eat up, people.

Diet Advice:

1. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? (Does typing count as cardio exercise?)
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Amen, sista! Now how the HECK am I going to do that with 2 ankle-biters?

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2. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? Only if they're deep fried or covered in cheese.
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Cow patties? Hay and corn. Oh. And what are these? Better with butter? Vegetables. Oh. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Mmm... vegetable products...

3. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? WHAT?!?
A: No, not at all. OH thank you. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

4. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? That's easy. I have none. Next.
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. That works too.

5. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? Free babysitting at the gym - as often as you want!
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? Not if they're fruits and vegetables. See #2.
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? It couldn't!

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? Nothin wrong with soft. What would my cat do if she couldn't knead my tummy?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Allright then - done. Those are off my list.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: HAYLL No! Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Ya. And all that blubber. Clearly it's actually fattening for you so stop it. now.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! And what about the post-baby/30's square butt? Square is certainly a shape.
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- Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
For those of you who watch what you eat as it goes from your plate to your mouth, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. they're also much shorter, no?

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. =Deep frying is good for you.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans. Well they probably beat their children then.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. That's because of all that fruit.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. Perhaps shoving some deep fried fruit (wine) into some intestinal lining really IS a good idea!

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. Oh great. Now I'm gonna have to practice up on my pig latin.

A Little Tumbleweed

Well, today was a 3-episode laundry day. What I mean is that it took 3 episodes of LOST for me to get through the entire pile of laundry folding. This is, you see, the only possible way I can do my duty of folding laundry. And I hate it normally. But I've discovered the key to loving it - it gives me the perfect excuse to watch my most beloved show, LOST. The problem, you see, is that I only have about 6 episodes left of last season and we have not joined the 21st century by getting TiVo, so I'm screwed. I have nothing left to watch after these next few weeks, and therefore, we'll just be buying new clothes and throwing away the dirty ones, because I don't do laundry otherwise. It's too much. It really is.

So, in anticipation of this fast-approaching day, I will be accepting gift cards from you all to Target, Old Navy, and Macy's, preferably in $100 increments, as my kids go through at least 2 outfits a day, sometimes 3, since the past 3 days, for example, I have stood in my front yard and hose-sprayed off blankets, sheets, pjs, etc. from 2 poop explosions and 2 puking incidents.

Also, in lieu of gift cards, I will gladly accept any new recommendations for TV series that I haven't seen and that would keep my interest enough to get through the monotonous chore of laundry.

Thank you. And goodnight.

Oh wait. I do have one more thing to leave you with... totally off-subject, however I don't care. As I was spring cleaning on my blogging vacation, I came across my trusty-and-definitely-dusty Jokes file from the 90's. Oh there are some gems in there that I'll share with you little by little, but I'll leave you with one from my favorite, SNL's Jack Handey, circa 1997. Enjoy. And send those gift cards.

Deep Thoughts... by Jack Handey
"Sometimes I just feel like curling up on the floor in front of the fireplace, and just rolling around the room, like a tumbleweed, and not even caring if I knock things over, or break them. And if people get mad, maybe because it's their house or something, you can just shake your head and go, "What happened?"

Busiest Week of My Life + Out of Town + Internet Probs = Blogging Vacation.

Well, I know you've been worried. Wondering and thinking the worst. No, I have not disappeared. I have not decided to quit blogging. I have been on a long-anticipated Blogging Vacation the past 2 weeks. I can't believe I haven't written in that long. In fact, don't send me hate mail, but I haven't even CHECKED people's blogs more than 2-3 times total (not per blog - just total) since I went on blogging vacation. I did actually leave town for 2 days at one point, but that's not the vacation I'm talking about. More of a mental vacation from all blogging-related 'stuff'... you know the 'stuff' - sometimes the pressure to be fabulous just builds up and you run out of post ideas and just need a break. I know there are those of you out there who can manage to be fabulous every single day - not me. I'm not that good.

So. My vacation. Yes, there was your typical vacation fare during this time of rest ... sight-seeing (aka spring cleaning out my plethora of storage closets for the first time since... well a long time.) This was the best part of my trip, actually. I saw things I've never seen before! And things I haven't seen in 10 years. Like a giant file box full of my high school and college photos with every different hair color I've had and every different boyfriend I've had (hint: future blog topic - oh it's precious, precious stuff).

I even organized the massive piles of Christmas wrapping paper (I have exactly 40 rolls of it and I am NOT exaggerating - count them.)

I also sorted and categorized my extensive gift bag collection - I even threw some away that were not worthy of the Re-Gift - that's a big step, my friends.
Now I know it seems as though they're not sorted, but they are - according to size, then category (baby, birthday, cute any occasion), etc.

And, like a good vacationer, I ate a LOT. Without exercising. I slept in one morning (until at least 8 a.m. - that's a BIG deal). I watched a few movies ... The Invasion, The Guardian, several LOST episodes from last season -- it's new to me. So overall, it was a productive, good blogging vacation, but now, particularly since the arrival of spring has suddenly turned my kids into hyperactive crazy people, I'm ready to block it all out again and blog, visit and comment. So, here I come... bursting with new ideas and inspirations, and ready to give some bloggy love again.

My Life In Pictures

Sassy little Tootsie Farklepants over at Vintage Thirty did this self-tagging meme a few weeks ago, inspired from Lulu's awesome blog and I thought it sounded fun, so I'm following suit... the rules are that you have to answer the questions with photos taken only from the first page of results online... *Note to self: Next time I think it will take mere minutes to search for the perfect photo any old picture online to do a post like this, THINK. AGAIN. Holy time-wasting blogging, Batman!

1. The age you will be on your next birthday. Yes, I would enjoy being IN Hawaii when I turn this age as well. We shall see...



2. A place you’d like to visit. And I'd like to be wearing a huge gorgeous winter coat with a waist tie belt, fabulous hat and scarf, with shoes from Bergdorf Goodman, and have my equally dapperly-dressed husband ice skate with me hand in hand, after getting down on one knee and asking me to marry him all over again and presenting me with a most precious bobble to adorn my wrist. Yep. That's all.


3. Your favorite place. Lived there. L.o.v.e. it.

4. Your favorite object. This isn't mine of course, but mine was my grandmother's and is special none the less...

5. Your favorite food.WITH

6. Your favorite animal. I cannot decide between these two cuties...

AND
Puzzling. I know. I like them for veeerry different reasons.

7. Your favorite color. They're delicious and nutritious too.

8. The city in which you were born. Anybody know this one?


9. The town in which you live. Occasionally it's a little warm here.

10. The name of your pet. I utilized my most excellent Photoshop skills to shield your tender eyes from the real image. But boy. I just don't know what to say about this one... I'm going to look at my dog in a whole new way from now on...

11. The first name of your love. hmmm.... not exactly what I had in mind...

how about try #2...
Yes. Yes, I'll take door #2. Thank you. Although, my real man is much better, of course.

12. Your nickname/screen name. I kid you not.

13. Your middle name. Alrighty then.

14. Your last name. I'm clearly really good at googling. I've even stumped the search engine on this question.


15. A bad habit of yours. Nope. It's not over eating, although sometimes I do wonder...

16. Your first job. No photo - just an article. And this is certainly NOT funny. And I pretty much kept my clothes on when I had that job.

Babysitter Leaves Children Alone In Woods To Pose For Nude Pictures

July 20, 2007

A 20-year-old Syracuse woman accused of leaving four young children in the wild so she could pose for nude photos is facing charges of endangering the welfare of a child. The authorities were alerted of situation by a man, who was apparently fishing at the nearby creek, saw them crying.

When officers reached the woods near Syracuse's Inner Harbor, the oldest girl, age 6, told them that "Aunt Michelle" went into the woods to take "nasty pictures."

17. Your dream job. It brings a smile to my face too.


18. Your current job. Drunkeness wasn't in my search terms at all, but hey - it works...


19. A picture you find hilarious. Perhaps not hilarious. Not even that funny. I just want a pair of these bad boys.


20. A picture that inspires you. If you don't know who this is, go here