My silliness

Yes, according to my friend, I DO indeed have too much time on my hands (clap, clap)... she and her husband are part of our 'group' of 11 people who willingly spend entirely too much time together. So per our annual Christmas Dinner tradition as a group, we had a White Elephant gift exchange. We're not very nice about it either. One year at said exchange, I got a box full of the contents from another couples' junk drawer - complete with screws, lint, old door knobs and crap like that. Yes, I pouted. But this year, I got a fun (somewhat broken) ab roller. Not that I'll ever use it, but it's a nice thought. Husband got a t-shirt with a picture of a naked guy bent over with no head and it said "Your Proctologist Called - They Found Your Head." Awesome. Did I mention this is a bible study group?

Anyhow, so our friend, 'G' got a tee-shirt with some sparkly home-made design on it from one of the girls in our group who made it long ago. He of course, being the fun guy that he is, pulled that shirt on right over his button-down.

Then - it hit me. He's ROBERT IRVINE! Now, for those of you in the dark ages unfamiliar with my friend, Robert, 1. get a clue and start watching Food Network. 2. He's a famous British chef who hosts this AMAZING show called "Dinner Impossible" where he's a caterer and gets thrown into these totally crazy, impossible scenarios to cook for like 10,000 people in an hour using only things he finds in his bathroom. Anyhow, he totally rocks - he's all buff and British and me likey. I think he's awesome mostly because he's a) got a cool accent, b) a take-charge kind of guy and knows his way around a kitchen - love that about a man - especially if the man is all manly, like my Robert (you need to say it with his nice accent.)

So here's a picture of 'G' and the reason why I think he looks identical just a LITTLE like my love, Robert. However, before I show you the pics, here's the email I sent 'G' just to make things fun.

Dear brother G,

This is Robert Irvine - chef extraordinaire, and... your twin. I'm sorry to pop this on you so unexpectedly, but I had to let you know now, so that you could get me a Christmas gift. I am indeed your long lost twin brother. Apparently, we were separated at birth when our parents agreed to one of those experiments where you take a child and put him on an island and raise him in a laBORatory (insert my English accent) to see how buff and brilliant a man can get (quite obviously, it worked for me.)

I got you a Christmas gift - please print this out and frame it at your expense. I love it, and it will always remind me of my new-found twin brother.

P.S. How's mum?

Love, Robert

(Here's G...)


And Robert...



This resemblance is a little creepy, no?

The Frozen Babysitter

So we come home from a long night at a concert. Very fun - front row center seats, which was cool (especially since the tickets were free - gotta love that)... We got to see our girl, Jordin Sparks (I've recently become an Idol Addict. So shoot me.) We get home, and are like, "uh... where's our babysitter?" Oh we see her - at the back door. Outside. In the FREEZING cold. Our doors lock on you unsuspectingly - well, only if you don't know to unlock them before you go out (which sounds easier than it really is), which clearly she didn't know to do. So our sweet babysitter went outside to play with our dogs after the kids went to bed, and ended up spending TWO HOURS freezing outside in the dark - she went into our also dark shed and hung out there with the dogs until we came home.

Ugh. I feel so awful for her. This was only her 2nd time sitting. Fortunately, the kids were fine - sleeping. But STILL! I can't imagine how mad/sad she was when it happened (and then for the hours following!) I'm sure she hates us - she's prolly all like "oh THEM - the ones with the trick door where I almost had to eat their dogs to stay alive in the cold!) Or better yet, she'll sue us for getting frost bite and endangering her life or something. Hopefully she's not litigious and will warm up soon.

Dog Eats Cat

Ugh. My day. A little weird. My friend was over - she drove us to pick up E from preschool and as we were leaving my driveway, we were talking about the urban coyotes that have nabbed 3 of our sweet cats in the last year or so. Then... just then - as the words were rolling off my tongue - we see a german shephard leaving our next door neighbor's house (who happens to feed 'own' 18 ferrel cats - no shots - no neutering or spaying - just this loner old guy who lives in the same house he was born in and hasn't made a SINGLE update - doesn't even have a front door or entrance of any kind - and who feeds these cats who are now coyote bait.)

So this dog is clearly up to no good - he looks strangely like he knows what he's doing... like he has a purpose for loitering in front of the cat haven that is my neighbor's home.

THEN - my friend hits the brakes - I'm like "WHAT?" and we see it... a freaking Jack Russell Terrier running out of my neighbor's pig pen yard carrying a DEAD CAT IN IT'S MOUTH!!!!!!! I jump out of the car and sprint into a full Chariots of Fire run down my street, ready to kick this little dog's ASS and he's fast... oh yes - he's faster than he really ought to be with those stubby little legs and a 20-POUND CAT IN HIS MOUTH! And as I'm running by my friend/neighbor, Amy's, house, she bolts out as well and we're both running and screaming at this little hellion and ready to take him down. But... we couldn't catch him.

He's SO lucky he didn't meet up with me. I love animals - but when one kills another - in front of me - I freak. I go crazy. Especially since my sweet cats are now kibbles and bits in this punk puppy's little stomach or some coyote just like him.

I want to kill this little dog. OK not kill - but something like it. I'm pissed. I loved my cats and I'm sure that Mr. W (the neighbor) actually likes all 18 cats of his too, even though that's a whole other story. I can't believe someone lets their dogs get out over and over to just roam the hood eating innocent cats. Amy said her little boys witnessed this very dog killing another cat a few weeks ago. WHAT is going on?

I'm feelin like a gangsta and I'm crazy. And I'm gonna get this little punk and pop him. I'll make him squeal like his life depends on it and raise my fist up in a rage shouting out my beloved cats' names... "JAVA - SOPHIE - TOONCES - I AVENGE YOUR TRAGIC DEATHS AND VOW ON MY HONOR TO MAKE THIS DAWG PAY WITH HIS VERY LIFE AND THAT OF HIS OFFSPRING AND CHEW TOYS!!!!"

Or perhaps I'll let my 180-pound Mastiff out to give the little guy a run for his money that he'd never forget. Ugh. Sad. **Sniff, Sniff** Poor kitty kitty.

2-Year Old Birthday Fun

Well, yesterday we had The Prince's 2nd birthday party. It was a mix of screaming toddler craziness (equipped with a Thomas the Tank Engine Ballpit), and a bunch of adults having a great time. We themed it a "Hat" party because my son obsesses over adores hats. He wears them constantly and it's just his 'thing'. So everyone had to wear hats and here were the winners of the best hat contest...



And here are some weird photos of my brother trying to take a picture, but he can't quite master the art of smiling normal or opening his beady little eyes.






And this morning, as my children were playing quietly and peacefully with all The Prince's new birthday toys, they came upon one of his presents and tried it on. Our friends are precious for getting him this thoughtful, sentimental hat they knew he'd love...

Pacifier Fairy, Come Hither

Oh mystical Pacifier Fairy,

How I long await your visit, yet with such mixed emotions - relief, gratefulness, yet fear and trepidation for the rage that lives within my 3-year old's heart whence she's parted with her beloved passy. When we tried beckoning you 18 months ago, the five days of volatile angst and 18 hours of sleeplessness for the young girl awoke a demon in her I wish not to reckon with yet again.

Oh Pacifier Fairy, how will it go this time? The parents know this must be the end. We must never call upon you again, for perhaps you might withdraw your secret powers and leave us with disappointing fare, much like the tooth fairy.

Will you leave sleep dust in our eyes, oh pacifier fairy? Or will we slowly rot and shrivel up from all the sleepless nights and oh - dare I say - no NAPS??? Oh pacifier fairy, I had not thought of this! What IF? Tell me THAT won't happen! Oh my. I am afraid. Very, very afraid...

Lists, Oh Lovely Lists

To quote my friend Angie "I lurves me a list," but can never seem to finish one (child-induced A.D.D. you think?), so I'll just combine a few lists that have been filling my head... perhaps you can finish them for me.

Top Three 10 things Every New Mom Needs to Buy:

10. Kleenex. You will cry at every sappy commercial and weep at every sad story about a child and even baby animals. Always. AND you'll never want to collect the spew of boogs for lack of planning on your part (see #'s 9 & 8 below this list).

9. Depends undergarments. If you're like me, you will pee your pants every time you give a big cough or jump up and down in Turbo Kick Boxing. Yes, the labor is a one-time thing that doesn't last, but the sweet reward that will last you a life-time is the incontinence. I remember fully peeing my pants while I was 7 months pregnant with E while I was waiting for ice cream at Cold Stone and sneezed, but at least I had an excuse - I actually had a 6-pound ball of linugo-covered kid punching my bladder. Now, I've got nothing but a sad, sad reality check every time I think I'm hot stuff and do some karate kick while exercising.

8. A Dust Buster hand-vac. I just bought one of these precious, precious appliances and will be putting it in my will - that's how valuable this thing is. The things I've cleaned up with this ingenious little life-saver: entire can of fish food (on 2 different occasions), goldfish in every imaginable place (the edible kind - not living, although if I were a betting woman, I'd put money on that coming down the pipeline), dried vomit, live spiders I'm too afraid of getting near for fear of them using supernatural jumping abilities and leaping to my hair and getting caught in it and making its home there - laying eggs in my scalp and then me dying like that woman with the 'beehive' hairdo did from the black widow eggs (anyone remember that tale?)

Other lists: Top Five 10 Things I Never Thought I'd Say:

10. "Stop licking the wall."

9. "Here - we're out of kleenex in the car - use my hand."

8. "Don't spit it on the floor - use my hand." (only in public places, mind you)

7. "Oh my gosh I sound exactly like my mother!" oh the horror.

6. "OK honey, tell me EXACTLY what the baby's poop looked like..."


Well, that's about all I've got this morning. Let's hear your best.

Aye Aye Aye, I'm a Very Bad Girl

OK, so I'm fully aware that I've broken every Blogging rule there is by neglecting my precious readers (all 8 of you);) and not blogging for well over a week. Ugh. I'm ridden with guilt. My deepest apologies to anyone who cares. I have had THE craziest schedule but I think it's passed now (much like my husband's dear grandfather, which is what contributed to my hecticness (apparently not a word, but I'm going with it)... husband out of town - left me with 2 dreadfully sick kids and oh by the way I was in charge of a massive Christmas Brunch for over 200 women that I had to juggle in his absence. So, he's back and all is getting back to normal, so here I am.

OK, so how was your Thanksgiving? Mine was pretty great - family in town - sweet cousin kids hung out together and the weather was so nice we even ate outside. Sadly, I didn't get nearly my fill of turkey skin, but I'll pull out a "Thanksgiving in July" dinner and get some more then to last me until November.

I'm finding it hard to write at this moment, since it's about 60 degrees in my house. My husband is crazy cheap frugal about paying for a/c and heat. Gets it from his father who's even worse, I hear. Just because we live in a desert doesn't mean we don't need HEAT. I can't feel the tips of 3 of my fingers and I'm feeling the hair in my nose start to get icicles. Ooh - here's a good blog topic... fill in the blank with your comments...

"My husband is SO cheap, that..."