The Art and Math of Seduction

My husband just declared he doesn't know how to seduce me. This makes me wonder why it's taken 10 years of marriage to figure that out. And also? What is it about seduction that's a mystery? I'm pretty positive I can seduce him in about 5 seconds flat. It's a fairly elementary equation with men...

Bare skin = turn on.

For example, yesterday I had on a bathing suit that is somewhat risque. It was a 'treat' for my husband on our 10th anniversary trip. It is a fairly basic 1-piece but there is a sizable area in the between 'the girls' that is open and that goes down a little ways. It's all the rage right now. But I ended up not wearing it as I had planned, because husband couldn't handle it in public. He kept pulling back each side of the top to see "how easily one of the girls could just fall out". Then he'd examine it from the side saying "I can see the 'cuppage'" (and he'd insert hand to be sure.) You see where this is going.

I suppose it can be a bit more complex for the man figuring out this equation with a woman. Because, this would require said man to understand it is indeed a DIFFERENT equation.

Much to my dismay, apparently husband doesn't understand that. Since he's still mad at me after yesterday - he came back to our resort room and stripped down from his bathing suit and just walked around buck nude while eating an apple, occasionally giving me 'the eye'. He admitted he was trying to seduce me. By walking around. Naked.

This morning, he's tried a different tack. Doing the dishes and saying, "well if doing the dishes isn't a turn-on, I don't know what is." hmmm.

I've read articles advising men that a sure-fire way to seduce a woman is to be funny and make her laugh. Now, perhaps I'm a different bird, but if I were to dream about a man seducing me, I would not be dreaming of rolling on the floor laughing, snorting and gafawing and then oh! whoops! we're all of a sudden in a passionate lock. But, I do live with a "funny guy" so admittedly, the wife of a 'funny guy' has immunity to that type of strategy that builds up over the years.

I suppose a mathematical lesson is in order. It looks something like this:

Equation for Seducing a Woman:
Doing something unexpectedly thoughtful and romantic + genuine verbal compliments and/or emotional, loving utterances + manly 'take-chargedness' = turn on

One clarification: by genuine verbal compliments, I don't mean "you're so hot". Just sayin.

Now obviously, it can change and become more simple or more complex, such as:

Doing something unexpectedly thoughtful and romantic + genuine verbal compliments and/or emotional, loving utterances - the amount of sleep I've had (or lack thereof) + manly take-chargedness +\- the kids' (or his) unruly OR especially helpful behavior the previous week or 2 x my mood & the day of the month +/- how fat I feel = turn on

So, seriously - what's so hard about that?